In the Abyss of Despair

I lost, when, where and how. I don't know. What did I lose? I don't know. Was I really in the abyss of despair? I had no idea. Maybe a part of myself, a piece of my heart, my soul? I couldn't figure it out. I never would. It was so sudden that I couldn't gather the courage to find it again. Why it was like that? Was I miserable? Or I was just overthinking? Was there any hope for me? Or I was just being overdramatic? 

I wanted to scream, I wanted to share, I wanted to yell the hell out of me but I couldn't. How could I? The only thing that kept me alive, was no more with me. Without a soul, the words did not weigh much. I had only words. The words that had kept me alive. Without them, I was nothing, they had lost their impact.

I was wondering in the sea of nothingness. My surroundings were nothing but the abyss of pessimism. I could have escaped but there was no need to escape. How could we escape ourselves? In the process of escapism, we lose the essence of the self. 

But I knew the essence of despair

I always knew. I knew from the start that the dark energy was always within me. I pursued light but two contradications could not move along. They had to separate. The darkness captures everything and the light is transparent, you cannot pass it. It is pure. Maybe that's why I had consumed everything I was fed. Somehow, I knew I was betting my soul for it. But I did not care until it was too late.  

I was so desperate for love that I could not see the mask of deception around me. I kept on drinking from every glass until I knew I could not drink anymore. I could not love, not because I wanted to stop but because they never loved me. Nobody ever did. The agony and pain of not feeling loved, who could understand it better than those who have always been a second choice of others? 

In the Abyss of Despair 

I lied to my friends, I lied to my family, I lied to myself that I was happy, I was loved, I was valued. I had everything but I was despairing. So I made myself numb. I silenced those voices but I was unable to conquer my demons. I could not let the light control me. It was too late. 

And the despair grew and grew. With darkness surrounding my room, deep, and evil thoughts would find their way to my mind and heart. The voice became louder and clearer. I could not let it strangle me. I tried to divert it but all in vain. The voice kept on rising: "You are a loser. You would find no one. There was not a single person on this earth whom you could call yours. They don't love you. Let's just put an end to this." The voice that I hated. The voice I wanted to shut it down. So I drank from another cup. 

Another cup - a mixture of despair and hope

Thus, I fell back on them. They - who would tell me to have patience. They, who would turn their eyes on my existential crisis, they, who never knew me but would always give me some advice. 

I had nothing left except pain, grief, depression, annihilation and all the miserable words over there. I never wanted to wait but at the same time, I did not want to give up. So I chose a moderate path. For the first time. I was not an extremist. I stopped but kept on looking. I was a pendulum swinging between light and dark. I stopped loving but chased people. I stopped going out but relied on hope that one day, one day, you would come out of nowhere. I isolated myself to breathe in silence but the voices kept on becoming louder and louder. Deep down in my heart I knew, those voices would win in the end and you would never come because you never existed. 

Then I started to look for you in every person I met. They were not you. They could never be you. was familiar with those patterns. You were not a pattern, you were something I cannot explain. They took everything casually. Just a hookup, just a fling. Were they happy? Not really. Were they finding someone? I don't know. One thing I knew was that they were not you so I was not ready for them. No one could understand me like you but I tried. I gave them a chance to understand me since they were sane but they could also lose their mind when it comes to pleasure. But I concluded that it was not the case.

The conclusion was biased

Both genders had different expectations of each other. A man wanted bodily pleasure, a woman craved permanency - commitment and forever. And I never knew what you would prefer. 

I wanted to understand both but failed. Why was that? How could any entity make things like that? Total contradictory to each other's expectations. Was that necessary to complicate things? They both thought differently. Adam blamed Eve for every mistake he made and Eve could not figure out where she went wrong. 

That relationship was meant to be complicated. And I wanted simplification. I was lost than ever before. I was done with this world. I could have been happy without you but why I kept on looking for you everywhere? Why I was making my life miserable? It is beyond explanation. 

In a nutshell, the existence of Adam and Eve was the root cause of all the evils. Their existence should not have taken place in the first place. They never belonged to the earth. The mistake was done. And every human being who came on this earth had to pay the price of the sin that he wasn't even a part of. 

Thus, Eve was left all alone. With her thoughts, her silence and her solitude. No one wanted to understand her, no one even tried to. Cain murdered Abel but no one talked about Awan. Her feelings never mattered so she mastered silence. In silence, no one could hurt her but her thoughts. No one could touch her, no one could see her, so she adopted an invisible identity. An identity of the goddess. The goddess that could destroy the world, she became the ultimate Kali. In a world full of Adams, Eve chose silence and isolation. She knew only she could kill her inner voices. Only she could handle her demons. Only she could rise like a phoenix. Only she could pass the storm. Because she was the weaker one, at least they thought so. She chose to live in isolation and prioritised loneliness to feel her grief. The grief that was etched in her memories, memories that would haunt her forever, memories that would be part of every Eve born after her. She carried the weight of the world, she carried the burden of the sins of every Adam.