Disappearance

 And then I try to write. To vent. To rant my heart out.

But,

The choices, the mistakes, the love, the regrets, the passion, the desire, the demons, the respect, the reason, the logic, the emotions - everything - seem to disappear like they never existed. 

From where should I start? 

There's no beginning, no ending - just a vicious cycle - that keeps on repeating over and over again.

My biggest regret will always be hurting people with pure intentions. I never wanted to but somehow I always did. 

How to let go of that guilt? 

There's no way, right? We have to live with it till the end. 

The end that has faded like our old versions.

And that's why we carry that guilt each day, hoping to never make the same mistake again but somehow we always make that exact choice/decision. 

Shutting people off, isolating ourselves, and not talking to anybody help? 

Sylvia Plath writes, "I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to."

But what if we don't have any tears to shed? 

No explanation. No justification. Pure chaos. 

No one but to blame ourselves.

 
How do we move on with life then?

I find people relating to my blogs, do you guys make the same mistakes as I do? What are your learning patterns? 

The one thing I learned is: Never express yourself and you won't depend on them emotionally. If you need to cry, cry alone. Never share your feelings. 

I think that's how men protect themselves. They don't share a single thing - their fears, struggles, emotions - nothing. 

I feel jealous of people who are so good at controlling their emotions that they just let everyone pass.

 
I am still unable to decide.

What is more painful? 

Being numb or feeling everything?