Disenchanted Realities

And suddenly nothing makes sense.

It never did, we just hoped that someday we would be fine or eventually we would get what we needed/wanted. The reality was just disenchanted. 

Every 90's kid was told that one day you're gonna win big, the lies that were fed to us, have eaten us alive. 

We are still hoping for that fairytale romance, a dream job, peace of mind and God knows what. In this economic turmoil, I can't even take care of my expenses let alone the self-care. 

They kept on telling us one day everything was gonna be alright, we would make it, you'll be this, you'll be that. God damn it, I am 28 and I am still here in 2019 - broke, single, inexperienced, living in a rental apartment, own no car and don't ask me about my mental health. 

Each day feels like a losing battle against time. Everything that was told to you, to me, to us, everything was a lie. It never gets better. We are not gonna have our childhood or teenage days back. We are just living dead adults, who thought that someday we might be happy. 

And we are happy, hustling, still not complaining about everything that has gone wrong, we are facing failure with a brave face, and we are sacrificing ourselves but for whom? For whom? For parents, who don't understand us? For partners, who would never do the same for us? For siblings, who would never care for us? For whom, we are doing all of this? 

If we are doing this for ourselves, why aren't we feeling happy? What's that guilt inside us? Why do we still think about each penny we spend, and each word we say while communicating with our loved ones, why second thoughts? Why are we still bottled up? 

So they tell me, it is the test, this life, this world. Why it has to be a test? Why it can't be a simple life? Why it needs to be a test? Why I can't speak my mind here? Why does everyone have to get offended when it doesn't even concern them? 

Why the power politics? Why the religious conflict? Why the economic competition? Why the Machiavellian tactics even in normal lives? Why does it have to be always complicated?

So they tell me to live in the present, and I do. Without worrying about anything, I live in the present. I do my job, I do my chores, I pay my bills, and I live a simple life but still, I am not happy or I don't know I am at a loss when I try to feel emotions. 

I go bold, make tough decisions, and make hard choices but still, I feel nothing. Then I research and get answers to seek happiness from the inside.  I try but I find nothing. 

Just an empty bottle, a vacant vessel, with no emotions, no feelings and no concept of imagination and reality, vice or virtue, wrong or right - when I think, I find everything just a means to control. It gets complicated more than before. 

Everything seems right, everything is wrong; simultaneously, nothing is wrong, nothing is right. Just some perceptions, some thoughts, some philosophy, some psychology, and some people. 

This world is subjective, God created it in the form of a subject, there's no objectivity in it, no meaning, no purpose, just a random subjective approach. Those who live it that way, are the happiest ones on this earth.