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31st December



Kill
 

So it's 31st December and a wrap then.

I'm glad that I didn't kill myself this year.

 There were moments when I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted everything to end. And no, it was not because of love. Faiz once said "Zamany main or bhi gham hain Mohabbat ke siva" (There are other sufferings too in this world besides the agony of love). In my story, this agony is sadness which I got in heretiance. It is my mind and the voices- the voices that will never let me sleep peacefully. The voices that urge me to leave everything behind. The voices that tell me that I belong to nowhere, nobody. The voices that tell me I don't matter.

And sometimes, these voices speak the truth, that we all deny deliberately. Some very dear people went against my wishes this year, didn't meet to my expectations and when I confronted them, they blamed me for overreacting, for not taking things lightly. Yes, I'm a narcissist, if I don't control you, I don't love you. People would never understand our philosophy, our emotions and feeling but one thing you could do better is to teach your kids not to be overly sensitive. I don't want anyone to be another me. I am being loud but still no one hears me.

I wait for my time to come but I know it's never gonna happen. They kept on telling me that I'd make it, have patience, don't give up and blah blah. But they didn't tell me when. Now I am fed up with this waiting. I am not jealous of anyone but why I am the only one with no social life, no career, no friends, no family... Everyone else has everything and I just feel deprived of something very normal... 

I pretend that everything is fine, I smile, laugh and make jokes so that no one can see the real me, the depressed me that wants to be quiet.

And deep down, we know that all this societal normal - life, relationship, career - is nothing but a form to survive till the end. To keep us busy so we no longer have time to think. 

Thoughts are dangerous. In my life, affirmations have never worked. There is no positive energy - only darkness. We all need someone to blame and I accuse literature of killing me. At a very young age, I got addicted to books and I hate myself for reading unnecessary books - books that would create a fantasy, books that would challenge my beliefs, books that would speak the truth, books that were necessary but not for me, not for the sensitive people because ignorance is bliss, isn't it? 

When one knows all the dimensions of society, the world and the universe, one entangles oneself in Penelope's web - uncomprehensible, unwanted - we want to escape but can't so we just scroll social media, wasting our time and we hope that this sadness would go away but all our efforts go in vain. 

I apologize for recommending Kafka but the views on my blogs show that you all are living in Kafka's paradox. But we don't even know the reason, do we? There is no reason - just an urge to shut everything down and be invisible. 

Don't end up being me. Wish you all a very happy new year. 

I hope to make it by the end of 2024 too.

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Comments

  1. Intellects InfoDecember 31, 2023 at 4:55 PM

    There are two sides in this universe, one is of evil and one is of good. And both elements are found in Human. Now, every manufactured thing, or product has Manuel book to run it in a right way. Humans have too the book. But you missed it. There is the book in your house may be but ever try to read it???? Make your goal to complete with deep understanding, otherwise don't complain about life or sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2024 at 6:07 AM

    Everything you wrote is quite relatable,
    but still no one should succumb to hopelessness.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJanuary 26, 2024 at 10:16 PM

    The weight of your struggles and the complexity of emotions in your words. It takes immense strength to go through such challenging times. Remember, even in the darkest moments, there might be a glimmer of hope. As for you saying "I am not jealous of anyone but why I am the only one with no social life, no career, no friends, no family", it reminds me of a saying: "If you ever feel that you don't have anything, look at those who have less than you." It reflects on gratitude and the perspective that acknowledging our blessings can bring solace. Wishing you resilience and moments of peace in this year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousSeptember 15, 2024 at 5:13 AM

    Epic!

    ReplyDelete

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