Nothing to Write

So finally after two weeks, I am letting my thoughts out. I literally have nothing to write. I am experiencing a writer blocked. However, I have to keep my blog going on, so apologize in advance, if this does not feel like I have written. 

Those days were hard and exhausting but life goes on. What I have learned is that no one reads my blog and they only comment/DMs based on the stories that I share on Instagram. I have literally told every single time that I am the happiest person, have high energy bla bla and everyone would be just like why don't you let go of everything? I already have. Not too long ago, but I let go of everything since last year. But before letting things go, how was I? Did existentialism hit me hard? Was I depressed, despaired and nothing made sense? Well yes. 

It's all in your mind

The first thing you need to know is that your thoughts are powerful. You are ruled by the way you think and the way you perceive things. All our identity, personality and "US" are nurtured by our experiences. These can be good or bad. In my case, they were not good at all. So everything was in my mind somewhere in the past or in the future but not in my now. Let me explain, right now you are reading this maybe on your desktop or phone. Your focus is on this blog. You may or may not be thinking about the future or past, if you are thinking, the intensity of those thoughts is mild so they do not affect you. That's what happened to me. 

Initial grief is higher

Initial grief has a higher intensity and you cannot dodge it by being busy, doing stuff or anything. I never took any drugs to deal with my pain. I simply sobbed alone in my room, I felt it in my bones and I gave myself time. Time to mourn over the loss, time to let it pass. Yes, I wanted the things to speed up. I wanted the next day to be a blessing. I wanted to wake up in the morning all happy, without any single trace of pain, misery or agony. But this world does not work like that. We have to succumb to pain to experience that in the end, nothing matters. Everything is momentary. However, it does not mean that we have forgotten everything. 

Moving on does not mean forgetting

Many people have this wrong idea that moving on or being happy has something to do with forgetting. In my case, no. I have forgiven people. Most of all, I have forgiven myself. I do recall those moments, I clearly remember everything but it no longer hurts me. I do not cry now while talking about those things. Hence, moving on has nothing to do with forgiveness but it has everything to do with acceptance. 

Acceptance is the key

Let's recall a moment. You were a kid in a broken or dysfunctional family. They ignored your existence or blamed you for everything. Now when you are an adult, you think all those things that have ever happened to you have happened to you because of that dysfunctional family. You might be right but what is the point? As a kid, we were powerless. Now, when we want to confront them, the experience is gone. The circumstances have changed. Now it's more like hurting ourselves than them. You are not in your past. Everything that has happened, has happened. We can't control it. So, what option do you have? Just accept that things happened, either intentionally or unintentionally. But, it has passed. Crying over split milk or being a victim won't solve the problems. Hence, be brave and accept the fate. You can try shadow work if you want, it helped me.

Shadow work

I am too broke to afford therapy so I googled Shadow work and found a video that I didn't follow fully but a little bit that I did was pretty simple. It is like three steps. First of all, think of anything you want to solve. Start from your childhood. Second, invite your younger self and third talk to your younger self on that issue. You don't have to judge, criticise, or blame your young self. Just listen to it, calmly and patiently. Try it or if you know any other method do let me know in the comments.

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Note: I am not feeling myself lately, I hope to come back soon.