Skip to main content

Fading into the Void

I died today. Or yesterday or maybe that day when I realized nothing made sense anymore. But I died. How did I die? I don't know. 

But, why did I die? 

Sigh.

The list is long, don't you think? Maybe, your words killed me. Maybe, that day, you said something that pierced into my ears, tearing my eardrums apart, and losing my hearing abilities. 

Or maybe, that day, when father showed his disappointment in me, making me feel like a cockroach - naah, not a cockroach but something more disgusting, like an insect who cannot do anything except be a burden on others. 

Or maybe, that day, when my mother scolded me for being too needy, killing all my emotions, feelings, and passions. 

Oh, no honey. I couldn't die possibly because of these things. 

I was tougher than that. 

Then what killed me?

Now, when I recall, I don't remember the exact day or time or reason that might have killed me. 

Perhaps, that day, when you left me alone in this world, leaving me naive in the world of wolves, not knowing how could I possibly live here.

That day, I might have died partially because I refused to die completely. 

I was in denial, hoping for your return. 

I waited. 

I waited for so long. 

I waited and waited and waited and...

But then one day, there was no I left in me. I was dead. 

Dead as the childhood days.

Dead as our love, our bond, and our family. 

Do you recall burying me? 

Can you recall it?

Can you recall the day, when I looked in your eyes and you knew it was over? I never blinked, not even for once. Not a single tear was shed. I looked and looked and looked. 

You knew. 

Of course, you knew. 

You knew that it was all over. 

My love for you was over. It was the last nail in the coffin. 

But that did not kill me. 

Now, when I am recalling why, how, and what made me kill, I failed to do so. 

Feels like I am fading into the void. The void that you left in me. The emptiness that could never be filled. 

I am recalling every possibility, each tiny moment, every single time that almost killed me. But everything is vanishing, fading, diminishing, the same as you - faded, diminished, and vanished from my life.

I have failed to give you the exact reason for my death, the same way I was unable to give you reasons for my love. 

_____________________

Author's note: I don't know what I am writing. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Disappearance

 And then I try to write. To vent. To rant my heart out. But, The choices, the mistakes, the love, the regrets, the passion, the desire, the demons, the respect, the reason, the logic, the emotions - everything - seem to disappear like they never existed.  From where should I start?  There's no beginning , no ending - just a vicious cycle - that keeps on repeating over and over again . My biggest regret will always be hurting people with pure intentions. I never wanted to but somehow I always did.  How to let go of that guilt?   There's no way, right? We have to live with it till the end.  The end that has faded like our old versions. And that's why we carry that guilt each day, hoping to never make the same mistake again but somehow we always make that exact choice/decision.   Shutting people off, isolating ourselves, and not talking to anybody help?  Sylvia Plath writes, " I need a father. I need a mother . I need some older, wiser b...
Post a Comment
Read more

Disenchanted Realities

And suddenly nothing makes sense. It never did, we just hoped that someday we would be fine or eventually we would get what we needed/wanted. The reality was just disenchanted.  Every 90's kid was told that one day you're gonna win big, the lies that were fed to us, have eaten us alive.  We are still hoping for that fairytale romance, a dream job, peace of mind and God knows what. In this economic turmoil, I can't even take care of my expenses let alone the self-care.  They kept on telling us one day everything was gonna be alright, we would make it, you'll be this, you'll be that. God damn it, I am 28 and I am still here in 2019 - broke, single, inexperienced, living in a rental apartment, own no car and don't ask me about my mental health.  Each day feels like a losing battle against time. Everything that was told to you, to me, to us, everything was a lie. It never gets better. We are not gonna have our childhood or teenage days back. We are just living dead ...
4 comments
Read more

Whispers of the Wicked: Trembling Hands

Whispers of the Wicked He looked at his shaking hands. A few weeks ago, he was just fine. He had no trembling hands. He did not sneeze and cough most of the time. He was full of energy. He was never grateful for that.  "Did I take my health for granted? Isn't this the same for everyone?"  This was his first time experiencing this kind of thing, the illness. Definitely, health was a top priority but he had taken many things for granted, his career, his partner, his life, his happiness, God, everything he could think of. He had taken almost everything for granted. He was so sure that he would never lose any of them. So, he took everything causally. Nothing was important for him anymore. Not his name nor his fame. He preferred to keep it simple, but was his life really simple?  He thought in the middle of the night. He looked back at his past, full of regrets but he wasn't ashamed, he never would be. Because that's what he was - a shameless person with no regard for ...
5 comments
Read more