Fading into the Void

I died today. Or yesterday or maybe that day when I realized nothing made sense anymore. But I died. How did I die? I don't know. 

But, why did I die? 

Sigh.

The list is long, don't you think? Maybe, your words killed me. Maybe, that day, you said something that pierced into my ears, tearing my eardrums apart, and losing my hearing abilities. 

Or maybe, that day, when father showed his disappointment in me, making me feel like a cockroach - naah, not a cockroach but something more disgusting, like an insect who cannot do anything except be a burden on others. 

Or maybe, that day, when my mother scolded me for being too needy, killing all my emotions, feelings, and passions. 

Oh, no honey. I couldn't die possibly because of these things. 

I was tougher than that. 

Then what killed me?

Now, when I recall, I don't remember the exact day or time or reason that might have killed me. 

Perhaps, that day, when you left me alone in this world, leaving me naive in the world of wolves, not knowing how could I possibly live here.

That day, I might have died partially because I refused to die completely. 

I was in denial, hoping for your return. 

I waited. 

I waited for so long. 

I waited and waited and waited and...

But then one day, there was no I left in me. I was dead. 

Dead as the childhood days.

Dead as our love, our bond, and our family. 

Do you recall burying me? 

Can you recall it?

Can you recall the day, when I looked in your eyes and you knew it was over? I never blinked, not even for once. Not a single tear was shed. I looked and looked and looked. 

You knew. 

Of course, you knew. 

You knew that it was all over. 

My love for you was over. It was the last nail in the coffin. 

But that did not kill me. 

Now, when I am recalling why, how, and what made me kill, I failed to do so. 

Feels like I am fading into the void. The void that you left in me. The emptiness that could never be filled. 

I am recalling every possibility, each tiny moment, every single time that almost killed me. But everything is vanishing, fading, diminishing, the same as you - faded, diminished, and vanished from my life.

I have failed to give you the exact reason for my death, the same way I was unable to give you reasons for my love. 

_____________________

Author's note: I don't know what I am writing.